1. Sex is like math: subtract the clothes, add a bed, divide legs and multiply!
2. Women are like kids - they put everything they see in their mouth...
3. Every woman should have a little secret, every man - a very big one.
4. The higher the intellect, the lower the kisses...
5. When I was born I had to make a choice: a big dick or the finest memory. I cannot remember what I chose...
6. Open your lips and close your eyes
Let my tongue do some exercises!
7. The skies are blue, the grass is green
I like your legs and what's between!
8. Do u know what people say behind your back? - Cool ass!
9. Life is like a golf - hole after hole...
10. Alcohol is extremely good for a man, especially when it's drunk by a woman...
11. It's not sex, but the lack of it that corrupts...
12. Haven't you ever thought over why little boys lick off lips and little girls suck fingers!?
13. Erotic dreams caused by your SMS every night are really cool, but I already have no clean underwear...
14. Dear, when I'm dreaming of u, I just can't do anything else, cuz at
these moments i don￢t have enough blood to supply my brain...
15. My magical watch says that you don't have any underwear. You still do? Oh, probably it goes too fast.
16. U can taste me with drinking my blood and wounding my nerves...
But u know there is another way to eat me...
17. You are a shameless person, you never share your erotic dreams with me! No excuses! - I know, it's true, I dream the same!
18. Darling, use ur hands only 4 me!
For example: use them to write me a message or just to think about me!
19. I'll screw u softly
O, please, don't worry
If you are busy today,
It will happen tomorrow... :)
20. Masturbation... is not a sin, it's just sex with someone you love...
21. Never make love in a back yard or on a veranda...cuz love may be blind, but your neighbours are not :)
22. I like your style,
make-up and dress...
But most of all
I like your ass!
23. Life is like a condom - you may use it only once!
24. Often children on backseats cause accidents... and accidents on backseats cause children ;)
25. You can hardly imagine
Tuesday 16 September 2014
Bibi wa Kinyozi
Jamaa kaenda kunyolewa kinyozini. Kidogo,pakaingia
mrembo flani.
Jamaa akamwambia, "Niaje.umenibamba.si kesho tupatane hapa Tao."Mrembo akajibu, "mimi nimeolewa,ntamwambia aje mume wangu?"Jamaa akajibu, "mwambie umeenda kuwatembelea jamaa zako."Mrembo akajibu, "wewe mwambie mwenyewe.ndo huyo anakunyoa!"
Jamaa akamwambia, "Niaje.umenibamba.si kesho tupatane hapa Tao."Mrembo akajibu, "mimi nimeolewa,ntamwambia aje mume wangu?"Jamaa akajibu, "mwambie umeenda kuwatembelea jamaa zako."Mrembo akajibu, "wewe mwambie mwenyewe.ndo huyo anakunyoa!"
Panya mgani ni mkali zaidi?
Panya watatu walikuwa wanabishana eti nani mnoma.
Panya wa kwanza,''Mimi nimekula red cat mara tatu na sijaidedi...''
Panya wa pili,''aahhh,hi yo ni shadow.Mimi nimekula nyama ikiwa
kwa mtego mara nne na sijaishikwa...' '
Panya wa tatu...''Mimi hata sijui mna argue nini nyinyi.Mimi,hii
mimba nimebeba ni ya paka...''
.
Lol .panya mgani MKARE???
A.1
B.2
C.3
.
How different women text
This is how a civilised lady
texts you :
"Hi honey. I'm just out of
class,
heading for lunch now. Wish
I could see you today and
even buy you lunch. Take
care,good day and love
you. Don't forget to pray."
Sasa hiki ni kile kiwaruwaru kiako kenye kinakuibia tu!:
"Xwiwie aki i mixx u xow
muh!!Nimekuhatar kama
Mahatma Gandhi Laughing out loudlyest!!
aki xi u kam buy me n ma
galfwends pixzza??
Pweety pweez?? I mixs u
xanar xanar! Alxo kam na
credo ya airtel ya 50, ya xaf
ya mbao na uninunulie
simcard ya yu pale ngara.
Luv u hun...
I lurv u xo xo muxx!! XOXO.
XXX. LOL. LMAO. LMFAO.
YMCMB. CORD. NTV. RBK.
KEBS. CCK. GHC. IEBC. UN.
FUNNY SWAHILI SMS : FUNNIEST SWAHILI ONE LINERS
1.Kuna jamaa alkuwa atoka lamu akushukia hoteli moja mld akaitisha
chai,alipoletewa ikiwa haina sukari akaitisha sukari kisha akauliza
sukari bei gani akaambiwa ni bure akasema bac nifungieni kilo 2
2. Kuna jamaa aligongwa na gari akawa mahtuti wale jamaa wakumuhudumia wakasema leteni maziwa yule jamaa alogongwa akasema oya na mkate nusu
3.Kuna jamaa alikuwa amekula miraa mpaka akawa fullhandas akicheki nje aona mvua yanyesha akasema doh mke wangu atakuwa na wasi wasi kama sikuenda hapo hapo akachukuwa mwavuli akaenda kwa mke wake akamwambia mke wangu mvua yanyesha sana siezi kuja nyumbani nitakuja kesho
4. Kuna jamaa alishikwa akiiba sambusa akaambiwa utalipa sambusa kisha utaenda polisi akajibu sambusa siendi na polisi silipi
5. Saddam alimuuliza ashwarya hw is lyf ashwarya akajibu kabi kush kabi gam nae ashawarya akamuuliza saddam saddam akajibu KABI BUSH KABI BOM
6. Jamaa alitumwa gazeti la tarehe 10 na budake akakosa aliporudi kwa babako akarudi na magazeti 2 ya tarehe 5
2. Kuna jamaa aligongwa na gari akawa mahtuti wale jamaa wakumuhudumia wakasema leteni maziwa yule jamaa alogongwa akasema oya na mkate nusu
3.Kuna jamaa alikuwa amekula miraa mpaka akawa fullhandas akicheki nje aona mvua yanyesha akasema doh mke wangu atakuwa na wasi wasi kama sikuenda hapo hapo akachukuwa mwavuli akaenda kwa mke wake akamwambia mke wangu mvua yanyesha sana siezi kuja nyumbani nitakuja kesho
4. Kuna jamaa alishikwa akiiba sambusa akaambiwa utalipa sambusa kisha utaenda polisi akajibu sambusa siendi na polisi silipi
5. Saddam alimuuliza ashwarya hw is lyf ashwarya akajibu kabi kush kabi gam nae ashawarya akamuuliza saddam saddam akajibu KABI BUSH KABI BOM
6. Jamaa alitumwa gazeti la tarehe 10 na budake akakosa aliporudi kwa babako akarudi na magazeti 2 ya tarehe 5
Saturday 30 August 2014
Gharama ya Wanawake
KWELI WANAWAKE WANA GHARAMA!!
HEBU CHEKI:-
Kila kiungo chao kinahitaji fedha.
Nywele zinataka Dawa.
Maskio yanahitaji Herini.
Macho yanataka Wanja na Shadow!
Pua inataka Kipini.
Mdomo unataka Lipstick.
Sura inataka Poda na Foundation.
Shingo inataka Cheni.
Matiti yanataka Sidiria.
Mikono inataka bangili.
Vidole vinataka Pete.
Kiuno kinataka Shanga.
Matako yanataka Chupi.
Miguu inataka Hina na Viatu,
Na
K*ma inataka Always.
HEBU CHEKI:-
Kila kiungo chao kinahitaji fedha.
Nywele zinataka Dawa.
Maskio yanahitaji Herini.
Macho yanataka Wanja na Shadow!
Pua inataka Kipini.
Mdomo unataka Lipstick.
Sura inataka Poda na Foundation.
Shingo inataka Cheni.
Matiti yanataka Sidiria.
Mikono inataka bangili.
Vidole vinataka Pete.
Kiuno kinataka Shanga.
Matako yanataka Chupi.
Miguu inataka Hina na Viatu,
Na
K*ma inataka Always.
Thursday 14 August 2014
Who owns a man? Wife or mother?
Who really owns a man?
His mother or Wife?
Mother: My son must obey me unless he didn't suck my breast for 1 year
Wife: He sucks mine now & sucked it for more than 5 years and still sucking
Mother: I carried him for 9 months
Wife: He was only 3.5kg, so whats big deal? I carry him every night and he has 85kg now
Mother: He passed between my legs
Wife: Ahaaaaaaaa...........he only passed there once., he stays in between my legs like everyday.
Mother: My son must obey me unless he didn't suck my breast for 1 year
Wife: He sucks mine now & sucked it for more than 5 years and still sucking
Mother: I carried him for 9 months
Wife: He was only 3.5kg, so whats big deal? I carry him every night and he has 85kg now
Mother: He passed between my legs
Wife: Ahaaaaaaaa...........he only passed there once., he stays in between my legs like everyday.
FUNNY SWAHILI SMS
1.Kuna jamaa alkuwa atoka lamu akushukia hoteli moja mld akaitisha
chai,alipoletewa ikiwa haina sukari akaitisha sukari kisha akauliza
sukari bei gani akaambiwa ni bure akasema bac nifungieni kilo 2
2. Kuna jamaa aligongwa na gari akawa mahtuti wale jamaa wakumuhudumia wakasema leteni maziwa yule jamaa alogongwa akasema oya na mkate nusu
3.Kuna jamaa alikuwa amekula miraa mpaka akawa fullhandas akicheki nje aona mvua yanyesha akasema doh mke wangu atakuwa na wasi wasi kama sikuenda hapo hapo akachukuwa mwavuli akaenda kwa mke wake akamwambia mke wangu mvua yanyesha sana siezi kuja nyumbani nitakuja kesho
4. Kuna jamaa alishikwa akiiba sambusa akaambiwa utalipa sambusa kisha utaenda polisi akajibu sambusa siendi na polisi silipi
5. Saddam alimuuliza ashwarya hw is lyf ashwarya akajibu kabi kush kabi gam nae ashawarya akamuuliza saddam saddam akajibu KABI BUSH KABI BOM
6. Mtoto mtiriri jana alimuona baba akimramba mama kuma leo alia nja apewa titi akataa asema mbona jana ulimpa baba chini na mimi nataka huko huko
7. Jamaa alitumwa gazeti la tarehe 10 na budake akakosa aliporudi kwa babako akarudi na magazeti 2 ya tarehe 5
8. Kadhi alimuuliza mume kwa nn wapenda kumtia mke wako nyuma mume akajibu kwa sababu mbele ni tamu na mimi ni mgonjwa wa sukari
9. Utafiti ulofanywa INDIA umegundua! Kuma ni jamii ya mdomo kwani ina ulimi,ina mate,ina ndevu,ina mashavu,ila imenyimwa meno sababu ya usalama wa mboo.Hapo vipi?
10. Khair mauti mauta waminal mauti mautan,Amin.Dua hii uliyoisoma ni ya kuomba"KIFO"na wewe ushaisoma haya sasa itakuaje?hebu jiguse roho,jee bado hujafa?kama hujafa niflash ili niondoe wasiwasi,ukikaa kimya nitajua umekufa
11. Hyo yako c dhahabu wala almasi utakufa tukuzike chini ya nyasi ,wape uwapao mwisho utatupa nasi
2. Kuna jamaa aligongwa na gari akawa mahtuti wale jamaa wakumuhudumia wakasema leteni maziwa yule jamaa alogongwa akasema oya na mkate nusu
3.Kuna jamaa alikuwa amekula miraa mpaka akawa fullhandas akicheki nje aona mvua yanyesha akasema doh mke wangu atakuwa na wasi wasi kama sikuenda hapo hapo akachukuwa mwavuli akaenda kwa mke wake akamwambia mke wangu mvua yanyesha sana siezi kuja nyumbani nitakuja kesho
4. Kuna jamaa alishikwa akiiba sambusa akaambiwa utalipa sambusa kisha utaenda polisi akajibu sambusa siendi na polisi silipi
5. Saddam alimuuliza ashwarya hw is lyf ashwarya akajibu kabi kush kabi gam nae ashawarya akamuuliza saddam saddam akajibu KABI BUSH KABI BOM
6. Mtoto mtiriri jana alimuona baba akimramba mama kuma leo alia nja apewa titi akataa asema mbona jana ulimpa baba chini na mimi nataka huko huko
7. Jamaa alitumwa gazeti la tarehe 10 na budake akakosa aliporudi kwa babako akarudi na magazeti 2 ya tarehe 5
8. Kadhi alimuuliza mume kwa nn wapenda kumtia mke wako nyuma mume akajibu kwa sababu mbele ni tamu na mimi ni mgonjwa wa sukari
9. Utafiti ulofanywa INDIA umegundua! Kuma ni jamii ya mdomo kwani ina ulimi,ina mate,ina ndevu,ina mashavu,ila imenyimwa meno sababu ya usalama wa mboo.Hapo vipi?
10. Khair mauti mauta waminal mauti mautan,Amin.Dua hii uliyoisoma ni ya kuomba"KIFO"na wewe ushaisoma haya sasa itakuaje?hebu jiguse roho,jee bado hujafa?kama hujafa niflash ili niondoe wasiwasi,ukikaa kimya nitajua umekufa
11. Hyo yako c dhahabu wala almasi utakufa tukuzike chini ya nyasi ,wape uwapao mwisho utatupa nasi
WHEN A NAIROBIAN VISITS MOMBASA.
1) All the swahili you learnt in school was just theory . When you land in coast, you start the practicals.
2) Niaje .. . is NOT an acceptable greeting. You say Niaje to someone and they gaze at you like they just caught you staring at testicles of the snake!
3) Remember when your Swahili teacher said those funny tanakali za sauti and misemo things you learnt in primary school and high school will come back to haunt you? He was right. I learnt that saying 'Akaanguka kwa maji kuuuu! ... . is wrong . Wrong? SINCE WHEN?
4) Shukisha .. . is NOT matatu -speak for being dropped off in coast . Bwaga is the word . I sure missed ngeli ya Bwa-ga in class.
5) If you use SHENG, you will most possibly look as stupid as a man in his wife's red dress and purple stockings . If swahili doesnt work with you, use English .
6) If some coastarian starts insulting you, you are dead. They are DAMN good at it . Open your mouth to answer and everyone will wonder which insult school you attended.How do you answer an insult like ,' Mbona wahara maneno ovyo ovyo .Na si umwombe Mola tako lingine uregeshe domo hilo lako?'
7) The punctuation marks in their swahili are difficult . I know fullstops ,comas and exclamation marks.There you punctuate your sentense with Naomba , Pole , Shukrani, Tafadhali and other weird words.Guess the hookers from therefeel like queens when you say,'Naomba ya mia mbili !'
8_____________________________
# Mswati lesimale
2) Niaje .. . is NOT an acceptable greeting. You say Niaje to someone and they gaze at you like they just caught you staring at testicles of the snake!
3) Remember when your Swahili teacher said those funny tanakali za sauti and misemo things you learnt in primary school and high school will come back to haunt you? He was right. I learnt that saying 'Akaanguka kwa maji kuuuu! ... . is wrong . Wrong? SINCE WHEN?
4) Shukisha .. . is NOT matatu -speak for being dropped off in coast . Bwaga is the word . I sure missed ngeli ya Bwa-ga in class.
5) If you use SHENG, you will most possibly look as stupid as a man in his wife's red dress and purple stockings . If swahili doesnt work with you, use English .
6) If some coastarian starts insulting you, you are dead. They are DAMN good at it . Open your mouth to answer and everyone will wonder which insult school you attended.How do you answer an insult like ,' Mbona wahara maneno ovyo ovyo .Na si umwombe Mola tako lingine uregeshe domo hilo lako?'
7) The punctuation marks in their swahili are difficult . I know fullstops ,comas and exclamation marks.There you punctuate your sentense with Naomba , Pole , Shukrani, Tafadhali and other weird words.Guess the hookers from therefeel like queens when you say,'Naomba ya mia mbili !'
8_____________________________
# Mswati lesimale
God qualifies the called
JACOB was a cheat.
PETER was hot tempered.
DAVID had an affair.
NOAH got drunk.
JONAH ran from God.
PAUL was a murderer. GIDEON
was poor & insecure.
MIRIAM was a gossip.
MARTHA was worried.
THOMAS was a doubter.
SARA was barren and
impatient. JOSEPH was a
shepherd
SAMSON was a womanizer
ELIJAH was moody.
MOSES stammered.
ZACCHAEUS was short.
ABRAHAM was old and
LAZARUS was dead...
Now, what's YOUR excuse?
Can God use you or not?
- ~~~
God doesn't call the qualified.
He qualifies the called...
May God bless and heal every hand that type 'USE ME LORD'
PETER was hot tempered.
DAVID had an affair.
NOAH got drunk.
JONAH ran from God.
PAUL was a murderer. GIDEON
was poor & insecure.
MIRIAM was a gossip.
MARTHA was worried.
THOMAS was a doubter.
SARA was barren and
impatient. JOSEPH was a
shepherd
SAMSON was a womanizer
ELIJAH was moody.
MOSES stammered.
ZACCHAEUS was short.
ABRAHAM was old and
LAZARUS was dead...
Now, what's YOUR excuse?
Can God use you or not?
- ~~~
God doesn't call the qualified.
He qualifies the called...
May God bless and heal every hand that type 'USE ME LORD'
Did you know that...
1. CHURCH has 6 letters so does MOSQUE.
2. BIBLE has 5 letters so does QURAN.
3. LIFE has 4 letters so does DEAD.
4. HATE has 4 letters, so does LOVE....
5. ENEMIES has 7, so does FRIENDS.
6. LYING has 5, so does TRUTH.
7. HURT has 4, so does HEAL.
8. NEGATIVE has 8, so does POSITIVE.
9. FAILURE has 7, so does SUCCESS.
10. BELOW has 5, but so does ABOVE.
11. CRY has 3 letters so does JOY.
12. ANGER has 5 so does HAPPY.
13. RIGHT has 5 so does WRONG.
14. RICH has 4 so does POOR.
15. FAIL has 4 so does PASS
16. KNOWLEDGE has 9 so does IGNORANCE.
Choose wisely, this means LIFE is like a Double-Edged Sword, Its not a coincidence but a Godicidence
If u think it is your alarm clock that woke you up this morning, try putting it beside a dead body
and you will realise that it is the Grace of God that woke you up. If you are grateful to God, type
THANK YOU LORD
Don't forget to share with friends. God bless you as you do
2. BIBLE has 5 letters so does QURAN.
3. LIFE has 4 letters so does DEAD.
4. HATE has 4 letters, so does LOVE....
5. ENEMIES has 7, so does FRIENDS.
6. LYING has 5, so does TRUTH.
7. HURT has 4, so does HEAL.
8. NEGATIVE has 8, so does POSITIVE.
9. FAILURE has 7, so does SUCCESS.
10. BELOW has 5, but so does ABOVE.
11. CRY has 3 letters so does JOY.
12. ANGER has 5 so does HAPPY.
13. RIGHT has 5 so does WRONG.
14. RICH has 4 so does POOR.
15. FAIL has 4 so does PASS
16. KNOWLEDGE has 9 so does IGNORANCE.
Choose wisely, this means LIFE is like a Double-Edged Sword, Its not a coincidence but a Godicidence
If u think it is your alarm clock that woke you up this morning, try putting it beside a dead body
and you will realise that it is the Grace of God that woke you up. If you are grateful to God, type
THANK YOU LORD
Don't forget to share with friends. God bless you as you do
Monday 11 August 2014
Funny X-Rated Jokes - Viewer Discretion is advised!!!
Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off?
A: They can't stand to see aman have a good time!
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, thisis no ordinary blow job!
Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common?
A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!
Q: When is a man most intelligent, before, after or during sex?
A: During sex cuz he's plugged up to the knowledge source=:)
Sex is like math.
Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply!
Sex is like a misdameanor, the more I miss it, da meaner I get
How do you know if you have a high sperm count ?
If she has to chew before she can swallow.haha!
Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me im going in!
Another 1: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
She's the one with the dirty knees.
Have you noticed that more and more women are havingt heir navel’s pierced?
That's because its a handy place to hang the air freshener,now u know!.
How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex?...Phone her(the other clande)!
Bigamy is having one wife too many times. Some say monogamy is the same.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent....
Wedding cake.
What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather or an ice cube, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken or full bucket of water(bath).
....lets continue
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask ur wife.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a p*ni*?
The full man.
Q: What’s the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is fresh air a lot like sex?
A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Why do men have a hole in their p*n*s?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then....breath out
Q: Why did God give woman 2 sets of lips?
A: So they can piss & moan at the same time!
Q: What are 3 words you dread the most while making love?
A: calling out another persons name! Nkt..nitakuwacha mara that that!
Q: How is sex like air?
A: It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any.
Q: What can a girl put behind her ears to make her sexy?
A: Her knees.
Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.
Q: Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
A: You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?(get ur dictonary n get da meaning of tofu)
A: They are both meat substitutes.
Q: What is the diff. betwn a sin and shame?
A: It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.
Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ?
A: A cl*t around the ear and a flap across the face!
Q: What is hard and pink when it goes in and soft and wet when it comes out?
A: Bubblegum you dirty minded pervert!
Q: What do you call a whore with her own car?
A: Feels on Wheels!
Q: What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
A: Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.
Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: You either need a good partner or a good hand.
Bonus:
A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.
"Can you do anything to help me, Doc?" said the man.
"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span"replied the doctor.
Q: What is the difference between women and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn’t follow you around for 2 weeks after you put a load into it.
Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut?
A: Don´t talk to the guy in the middle, he´s a dick.
Q: Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
A: You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
__________________________
Meet singles who want to date you for better and for worse
A: They can't stand to see aman have a good time!
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, thisis no ordinary blow job!
Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common?
A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!
Q: When is a man most intelligent, before, after or during sex?
A: During sex cuz he's plugged up to the knowledge source=:)
Sex is like math.
Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply!
Sex is like a misdameanor, the more I miss it, da meaner I get
How do you know if you have a high sperm count ?
If she has to chew before she can swallow.haha!
Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me im going in!
Another 1: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
She's the one with the dirty knees.
Have you noticed that more and more women are havingt heir navel’s pierced?
That's because its a handy place to hang the air freshener,now u know!.
How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex?...Phone her(the other clande)!
Bigamy is having one wife too many times. Some say monogamy is the same.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent....
Wedding cake.
What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather or an ice cube, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken or full bucket of water(bath).
....lets continue
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask ur wife.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a p*ni*?
The full man.
Q: What’s the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is fresh air a lot like sex?
A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Why do men have a hole in their p*n*s?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then....breath out
Q: Why did God give woman 2 sets of lips?
A: So they can piss & moan at the same time!
Q: What are 3 words you dread the most while making love?
A: calling out another persons name! Nkt..nitakuwacha mara that that!
Q: How is sex like air?
A: It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any.
Q: What can a girl put behind her ears to make her sexy?
A: Her knees.
Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.
Q: Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
A: You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?(get ur dictonary n get da meaning of tofu)
A: They are both meat substitutes.
Q: What is the diff. betwn a sin and shame?
A: It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.
Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ?
A: A cl*t around the ear and a flap across the face!
Q: What is hard and pink when it goes in and soft and wet when it comes out?
A: Bubblegum you dirty minded pervert!
Q: What do you call a whore with her own car?
A: Feels on Wheels!
Q: What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
A: Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.
Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: You either need a good partner or a good hand.
Bonus:
A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.
"Can you do anything to help me, Doc?" said the man.
"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span"replied the doctor.
Q: What is the difference between women and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn’t follow you around for 2 weeks after you put a load into it.
Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut?
A: Don´t talk to the guy in the middle, he´s a dick.
Q: Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
A: You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
__________________________
Meet singles who want to date you for better and for worse
Kenyan Sex Facts - A must Read!!!
1. Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than they are.
2. Abstain from wine, women, and song - mostly song.
3. Never argue with a woman when she's tired (or rested).
4. A woman never forgets the men she could have had - A man, the women he couldn't.(I guess)
5. It is better to be looked over than over looked.
6. Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing say come back in the spring but don't say no.
7. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
8. Folks playing leap frog must complete all jumps.
9. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone and heart.
10. Sex is one of the 9 reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
11. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
__________________
P.S Are you interested? - Meet Kenyan men and women for dating free!
2. Abstain from wine, women, and song - mostly song.
3. Never argue with a woman when she's tired (or rested).
4. A woman never forgets the men she could have had - A man, the women he couldn't.(I guess)
5. It is better to be looked over than over looked.
6. Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing say come back in the spring but don't say no.
7. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
8. Folks playing leap frog must complete all jumps.
9. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone and heart.
10. Sex is one of the 9 reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
11. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
__________________
P.S Are you interested? - Meet Kenyan men and women for dating free!
Thursday 7 August 2014
HILARIOUS!! 18 CRAZY and Lessons We Learnt From Vera Sidika's Interview on 'The Trend'
 |
| Vera Sidika before her bleaching |
#2. That Vera Sidika's state of the art 'skin lightening' also bleached her Accent
#3. Julie Gichuru Has been overlooking a potential candidate for 'Who Owns Kenya'.
#4. living in Nigeria gives you an American accent rather than an Afrosinema accent.
#5. That These Kenyan Tycoons Aint Loyal!! West africans are the best.
#6. There is a thin line between entrepreneur and entrePANUA"
#7. that having a hole between your legs can change your entire life.
#8. That bleaching was effective! It erased all her sanity!
#9. As Most peeps go to racecourse to watch horse races,Vera goes to watch horses to identify hair material.
#10. Vera is probably talking about 50 million Ugandan shillings not ksh
#11. Vera sidika making money by being a professional shallow person.
#12. Vera Sidika is the oldest 24 year old in the world
#13. Vera is a side chic that's why she can't mention the dude!
#14. Anto and that chic are idiots and hypocrites to attack 'campus diva' but defend Vera when its clearly the same business.
#15. she is an aspiring upcoming caucasian.
#16. You should thank God for giving you a light skinned daughter.that's 50million saved
#17. we can sell vera n pay angloleasing
#18. we can sell Vera Sidika as a country as a project we can buy the Laptops uhuru promised..."
 |
| See the difference after her bleaching |
Friday 1 August 2014
Definition of a LUO
Special one for my brothers from the Lakeside. Omera, wot is!?
So, being a Luo is not a tribe (or a community), it is a lifestyle.
Infact, it is no longer just a lifestyle, it is a responsibility.
“When you tell a Luo to meet you at Ambassador stage, he arrives and informs you (over the phone) that he is standing opposite the Hilton Hotel.” – Phelix Jalang’o Odiwor
So, where do you belong? Here’s the difference.
1. Luoz – are all over the world …yaani diasporic, highly educated and articulate. I mean Obama type of people… They will die supporting Arsenal FC, Brazil, All Blacks, Harambee Stars and Gor Mahia.
They also understand cricket.
2. Luos – are born and raised in Kisumu, probably went to Kisumu Boys/Girls High schools, then joined Maseno University or Kisumu Poly, work along Oginga Odinga Street in Kisumu and have never travelled past Ahero!
They adore boda boda and Guinness.
3. Jeng’ – were probably born and raised in Nai (read Nairobi ), lived in Lang’ata …or surrounding areas, have been to shags once or twice for dani’s (grandy’s) funeral coz paros insisted. Quotes his/her shags as being upcountry somewhere in Nyanza. You say “amosi omera” to them and they respond “niaje jo vipi”.
During football, they only attend Gor Mahia vs AFC matches played specifically at the Nyayo Stadium (which they insist is called ‘The Brrr… arena’ (Coca-Cola Stadium)
4. Mjaluo – was born in Mombasa , speaks swahili sanifu, broken English and no mother tongue. Full names are Otieno Abdalla or Anyango Amina… (you name it) Is a Muslim, lives in Ganjoni or surrounding areas.
They classify Kisumu people are “watu wa bara”.
5. Jaluo – Odhis ngima tek owada, we a bed e gweng’ ka!! OMERA!!!!
6. Wajaka – are born and raised in Eastlands predominantly Ololo, Okongo, Jeri, Salem , Bangla, Ofaro, Marish, Mbote, and Huruma. They have never gone past Ungem and they only know that they are Luos because of their second names.
They know Kisumu is a town near Nakuru, where you pass ukiishiia kwa kina mbuyu…
So, being a Luo is not a tribe (or a community), it is a lifestyle.
Infact, it is no longer just a lifestyle, it is a responsibility.
“When you tell a Luo to meet you at Ambassador stage, he arrives and informs you (over the phone) that he is standing opposite the Hilton Hotel.” – Phelix Jalang’o Odiwor
So, where do you belong? Here’s the difference.
1. Luoz – are all over the world …yaani diasporic, highly educated and articulate. I mean Obama type of people… They will die supporting Arsenal FC, Brazil, All Blacks, Harambee Stars and Gor Mahia.
They also understand cricket.
2. Luos – are born and raised in Kisumu, probably went to Kisumu Boys/Girls High schools, then joined Maseno University or Kisumu Poly, work along Oginga Odinga Street in Kisumu and have never travelled past Ahero!
They adore boda boda and Guinness.
3. Jeng’ – were probably born and raised in Nai (read Nairobi ), lived in Lang’ata …or surrounding areas, have been to shags once or twice for dani’s (grandy’s) funeral coz paros insisted. Quotes his/her shags as being upcountry somewhere in Nyanza. You say “amosi omera” to them and they respond “niaje jo vipi”.
During football, they only attend Gor Mahia vs AFC matches played specifically at the Nyayo Stadium (which they insist is called ‘The Brrr… arena’ (Coca-Cola Stadium)
4. Mjaluo – was born in Mombasa , speaks swahili sanifu, broken English and no mother tongue. Full names are Otieno Abdalla or Anyango Amina… (you name it) Is a Muslim, lives in Ganjoni or surrounding areas.
They classify Kisumu people are “watu wa bara”.
5. Jaluo – Odhis ngima tek owada, we a bed e gweng’ ka!! OMERA!!!!
6. Wajaka – are born and raised in Eastlands predominantly Ololo, Okongo, Jeri, Salem , Bangla, Ofaro, Marish, Mbote, and Huruma. They have never gone past Ungem and they only know that they are Luos because of their second names.
They know Kisumu is a town near Nakuru, where you pass ukiishiia kwa kina mbuyu…
Who is smarter now? LUHYA, KISII, LUO and KIKUYU man
A Luyha Man invited his friends
for his mother's burial.
After lowering the body, the
family put a yam, rice, meat etc, into the grave in line with traditions.
The Luhya man smiled &
said, according to our tradition, the dead go on a long journey & need all
the food items they can get".
A Luo man dropped 100,000k
inside and said,
"When the food is
finished, buy some more".
A Kisii man dropped 50,000k and
said,
"Add this in case it's not
enough".
The Kikuyu man smiled and
brought out his cheque book & wrote a cheque of 200,000k, dropped it in the
coffin & took the 150,000k notes as change, then said,
"withdraw when you reach dear ... It is going to be a dangerous journey we don't know how many robbers are out there and after all we are in a cashless economy!"
A Kikuyu love letter
Kwa mupethi wangu wa samani
Muchatha,
Kwanja ni tharamu kutoka kwa
mwendwo wako mama Connie.
Pili ni kukuambia ya kwaba
nimekukosa thana kutoka hile
ndate yatu huko kwa kiharo na
machimo sya parandise rost.
Nakubuka visuri sana vire
uriniabia yakwaba miguu yangu
hata presidenti Kifaki angeiona
angesema watu wa ministre ile ya
Balala wafanye ikuwe nachonoro
heritej na ati kukuwe na
nachonoro holinday inaitwa
mama connie. Nilifurahia sana
kwa sababu hakuna mutu
asawahi niabia hifyo maicha
yangu yoote. Hii ndio maana
nirikubali kutoa thurware haraka
ingawaje pia wewe ni
muhadisamu sana.
Sijui niandike fipi kwa thababu
vile naandika tu ndio hakiri yangu
hinaenderea kuona mbica yako
na kira kitu kiako. Ofkos siwesi
sahau mwiri wako urichikana na
wangu kupitia hiyo mbiruri yako
tamu sana. Haki ata kama sio
mimi nitakuwa mbimbi yako,
mwenye utaoa atafurahia sana.
Nilipata nafasi ya kufikiria mambo
ya relationchip yetu na wewe.
Kwaja mutoto wangu Connie na
kanicha na nikaona haiwesekani.
Ya pili kira sande ukitoa
uchuhuda unafanyanga naanza
kutetemeka nikikumbuka vile
tulifanya nawewe hiyo siku kiabu.
Sitawahi sahau.
Kusema ukweli si ati sikupedi, ni
vile baba Connie alituma wasee
akasema ako reandy kunioa.
Wasee wameongea na mimi na
nikasikia ni muhimu niitikie huo
mwito. Nataka kukuabia ya kwaba
sitawahi sahau kutengenetha F
CLEF na vile ulinishoot na
mumwago ukipima kahehia
kangu. Tena sitawahi sahau
njokes sako..file uliniambia ati
kamutu kengine unajua kanaitwo
kamuniga ati kakiongea
kananukisaga mudomo unawesa
fikiria ni ubwa msee imethefea
(belch). Tena vile uliniabia wakati
nilikuabia ninanyesha yaani niko
na kawakati…ati. ulisema. kwani
kama kahehia ingekua shule
kunyeshange kila siku..watoto
hawangewahi soma? sijawahi
sikia laini kama hiyo..na mby the
way kama unawesa
kumbuka..nilikutorea handawea.
Sincerely nitakumisururukia
saaana. Najua utachikia fibaya
lakini unaerewo. Na ukumbukage
mbathide yangu. Nitakuacha na
maneno ya Paulo mutakatifu. may
the ngrace of our lornd, and the
raf of ngond, mbe with you now
hend forefa more..Emen.
Yours in love,
Mama Connie
Muchatha,
Kwanja ni tharamu kutoka kwa
mwendwo wako mama Connie.
Pili ni kukuambia ya kwaba
nimekukosa thana kutoka hile
ndate yatu huko kwa kiharo na
machimo sya parandise rost.
Nakubuka visuri sana vire
uriniabia yakwaba miguu yangu
hata presidenti Kifaki angeiona
angesema watu wa ministre ile ya
Balala wafanye ikuwe nachonoro
heritej na ati kukuwe na
nachonoro holinday inaitwa
mama connie. Nilifurahia sana
kwa sababu hakuna mutu
asawahi niabia hifyo maicha
yangu yoote. Hii ndio maana
nirikubali kutoa thurware haraka
ingawaje pia wewe ni
muhadisamu sana.
Sijui niandike fipi kwa thababu
vile naandika tu ndio hakiri yangu
hinaenderea kuona mbica yako
na kira kitu kiako. Ofkos siwesi
sahau mwiri wako urichikana na
wangu kupitia hiyo mbiruri yako
tamu sana. Haki ata kama sio
mimi nitakuwa mbimbi yako,
mwenye utaoa atafurahia sana.
Nilipata nafasi ya kufikiria mambo
ya relationchip yetu na wewe.
Kwaja mutoto wangu Connie na
kanicha na nikaona haiwesekani.
Ya pili kira sande ukitoa
uchuhuda unafanyanga naanza
kutetemeka nikikumbuka vile
tulifanya nawewe hiyo siku kiabu.
Sitawahi sahau.
Kusema ukweli si ati sikupedi, ni
vile baba Connie alituma wasee
akasema ako reandy kunioa.
Wasee wameongea na mimi na
nikasikia ni muhimu niitikie huo
mwito. Nataka kukuabia ya kwaba
sitawahi sahau kutengenetha F
CLEF na vile ulinishoot na
mumwago ukipima kahehia
kangu. Tena sitawahi sahau
njokes sako..file uliniambia ati
kamutu kengine unajua kanaitwo
kamuniga ati kakiongea
kananukisaga mudomo unawesa
fikiria ni ubwa msee imethefea
(belch). Tena vile uliniabia wakati
nilikuabia ninanyesha yaani niko
na kawakati…ati. ulisema. kwani
kama kahehia ingekua shule
kunyeshange kila siku..watoto
hawangewahi soma? sijawahi
sikia laini kama hiyo..na mby the
way kama unawesa
kumbuka..nilikutorea handawea.
Sincerely nitakumisururukia
saaana. Najua utachikia fibaya
lakini unaerewo. Na ukumbukage
mbathide yangu. Nitakuacha na
maneno ya Paulo mutakatifu. may
the ngrace of our lornd, and the
raf of ngond, mbe with you now
hend forefa more..Emen.
Yours in love,
Mama Connie
Kikuyu joke that will leave you in stitches
Two kikuyus were standing at the golden gates of heaven awaiting
Simon-Peter, the angel to clear them in order for them to get into the
Kingdom of God. After telling Simon-Peter what their names were,
Simon-Peter looked at the list of acceptees to Heaven that he had with
him and noticed that Kamau and Githinji (their names) were not on it.
"hmm...that's strange" said Simon-Peter to the two guys, "your names
don't seem to be on the list". After some protests from Kamau and
Githinji, Peter agreed to go and check with God himself, to verify
whether these two indeed had been admitted to the Holy Kingdom. He
departed and came back a few minutes later after consulting with the
Heavenly father, but when he came back to the gates, his eyes grew wide with shock and disbelief. "Oh heavens!!" he said to himself.....he started running frantically back to see the Heavenly father, shocked beyond belief. Panting, gasping and hysterical he told God:" Master! Master! They are gone!!! They are gone!!". Confused for a second, God asked ...."Who, the Kikuyus??". "No, Master!" Simon-Peter replied frantically..."The Golden Gates!!".
Heavenly father, but when he came back to the gates, his eyes grew wide with shock and disbelief. "Oh heavens!!" he said to himself.....he started running frantically back to see the Heavenly father, shocked beyond belief. Panting, gasping and hysterical he told God:" Master! Master! They are gone!!! They are gone!!". Confused for a second, God asked ...."Who, the Kikuyus??". "No, Master!" Simon-Peter replied frantically..."The Golden Gates!!".
Sickest Kamba jokes that will leave you in stitches
A Kamba man goes to buy a TV
"Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."
A Kamba calls KQ "How long does it take to fly to Machakos?"
"Just a second," says the rep.
"Thank you",says the Kamba and cuts the line.
A Kamba was filling up an application form for a job.He filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc.
Then he came to the column Salary Expected. After much thought he wrote: Yes!
A Kamba proposes to a woman. She says, "Yes, if you'll bring me a pair of crocodile boots."
He sets off to Maasai Mara and disappears. Finally a search team finds him hunting a huge crocodile. He walks over to the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims: "The 70th damn croc and this bugger is also bare feet!"
A Kamba goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."
The Kamba then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The Kamba says, "I'll take one!"
The next day, he walks into the office with his new thermos.
His boss asks, "Wow, you have a Thermos! What do you have in it?"
The Kamba replies, "Two cups of coffee and a Coke."
A Kamba went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell it to Kambas," he replied.
The Kamba hurried home removed his beard and changed his hair style, then came back and again told the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Kambas," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he still can recognize me," he thought. He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses,then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Kambas," he replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Kamba?"
"Because that's a microwave," the salesman replied.
Why did 18 Kambas go to a movie? Because below 18 was not allowed.
The doctor told the Kamba to run eight kilometers a day for 300 days to lose weight. After 300 days, the Kamba called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem: "I'm 2400 kms away from home."
A Kamba's two sons Kilonzo and Muoki are waiting at the train station for a train to Machakos. A train comes and as the other passengers are boarding, Kilonzo asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Machakos?"
"No," answers the Railway man. "Then Can I ?"asks Muoki.
Having lost his donkey, a Kamba got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing, why are you thanking God?" The Kamba replied "I am thanking him for that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
A Kamba got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate: Mother: Kenyan. Father: Kenyan. Kid: Chinese.
"How come you wrote "Chinese" when both parents are Kenyan?" asks the registrar.
The Kamba says, "Ahhh... I read in the newspaper, that every 4th person born on Earth now is a Chinese."
A Kamba, Mwendwa, and a friend, Michael, went to South B. They managed to get into a double-decker bus. Michael somehow managed to find a seat downstairs, but unfortunately Mwendwa got pushed to the top. After a while, when the rush was over, Michael went upstairs to see his friend Mwendwa. He met Mwendwa in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands and saying his prayers, scared to death. He asks,"Oi, Mkamba! What the heck's goin'on? Why are you so scared? I was really enjoying my ride down there?" Mwendwa mumbles, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
A Kamba, with two red ears, went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But..what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."
An Englishman and a Kamba from Kenya were asked to form a sentence with the words: Green, Pink and Yellow.
The Englishman wrote: Every morning I put on my Pink shirt, light up my Green cigarette and look at the Yellow sun.
The Kamba wrote: Every time I hear the phone ring, "Green! Green!", I pink it up and say, "Yellow! Yellow!"
"Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."
A Kamba calls KQ "How long does it take to fly to Machakos?"
"Just a second," says the rep.
"Thank you",says the Kamba and cuts the line.
A Kamba was filling up an application form for a job.He filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc.
Then he came to the column Salary Expected. After much thought he wrote: Yes!
A Kamba proposes to a woman. She says, "Yes, if you'll bring me a pair of crocodile boots."
He sets off to Maasai Mara and disappears. Finally a search team finds him hunting a huge crocodile. He walks over to the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims: "The 70th damn croc and this bugger is also bare feet!"
A Kamba goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."
The Kamba then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The Kamba says, "I'll take one!"
The next day, he walks into the office with his new thermos.
His boss asks, "Wow, you have a Thermos! What do you have in it?"
The Kamba replies, "Two cups of coffee and a Coke."
A Kamba went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell it to Kambas," he replied.
The Kamba hurried home removed his beard and changed his hair style, then came back and again told the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Kambas," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he still can recognize me," he thought. He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses,then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Kambas," he replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Kamba?"
"Because that's a microwave," the salesman replied.
Why did 18 Kambas go to a movie? Because below 18 was not allowed.
The doctor told the Kamba to run eight kilometers a day for 300 days to lose weight. After 300 days, the Kamba called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem: "I'm 2400 kms away from home."
A Kamba's two sons Kilonzo and Muoki are waiting at the train station for a train to Machakos. A train comes and as the other passengers are boarding, Kilonzo asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Machakos?"
"No," answers the Railway man. "Then Can I ?"asks Muoki.
Having lost his donkey, a Kamba got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing, why are you thanking God?" The Kamba replied "I am thanking him for that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
A Kamba got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate: Mother: Kenyan. Father: Kenyan. Kid: Chinese.
"How come you wrote "Chinese" when both parents are Kenyan?" asks the registrar.
The Kamba says, "Ahhh... I read in the newspaper, that every 4th person born on Earth now is a Chinese."
A Kamba, Mwendwa, and a friend, Michael, went to South B. They managed to get into a double-decker bus. Michael somehow managed to find a seat downstairs, but unfortunately Mwendwa got pushed to the top. After a while, when the rush was over, Michael went upstairs to see his friend Mwendwa. He met Mwendwa in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands and saying his prayers, scared to death. He asks,"Oi, Mkamba! What the heck's goin'on? Why are you so scared? I was really enjoying my ride down there?" Mwendwa mumbles, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
A Kamba, with two red ears, went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But..what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."
An Englishman and a Kamba from Kenya were asked to form a sentence with the words: Green, Pink and Yellow.
The Englishman wrote: Every morning I put on my Pink shirt, light up my Green cigarette and look at the Yellow sun.
The Kamba wrote: Every time I hear the phone ring, "Green! Green!", I pink it up and say, "Yellow! Yellow!"
Sunday 13 July 2014
Hatusemi Jokes
1.Hatusemi Ofocando,,,tunasema
Avocado,,unaskia Kikuyu ii??Funda
2.Hatusemi Sida,,tunasema Shida,,poa
Jaluo ii??kisigino ya mamba ww
3.hatusemi Nyenge,,tunasema
Nyege,,unaskia Mkambodia ii?surwa!!
4.hatusemi Bahale yake,,tunasema Mahali
yake,,unaskia Woria ii??kaboooom,,oh
sorry,,kubaff!!
5.hatusemi Fimbo ina jaba,,tunasema
Fimbo ina chapa,,sawa jinga ya Kale ii??
sadaff!
Avocado,,unaskia Kikuyu ii??Funda
2.Hatusemi Sida,,tunasema Shida,,poa
Jaluo ii??kisigino ya mamba ww
3.hatusemi Nyenge,,tunasema
Nyege,,unaskia Mkambodia ii?surwa!!
4.hatusemi Bahale yake,,tunasema Mahali
yake,,unaskia Woria ii??kaboooom,,oh
sorry,,kubaff!!
5.hatusemi Fimbo ina jaba,,tunasema
Fimbo ina chapa,,sawa jinga ya Kale ii??
sadaff!
Desperation
Chali ako kwa mat..dem yake anamsendia
katext,'SEX TONIGHT?'
Chali anabambika,naye anatype
'YES',kabla asend tu nangos inasanywa..
Badala chali a shout 'mwizi' anadai ''finya
Ok alafu uende na simu"
katext,'SEX TONIGHT?'
Chali anabambika,naye anatype
'YES',kabla asend tu nangos inasanywa..
Badala chali a shout 'mwizi' anadai ''finya
Ok alafu uende na simu"
Monday 10 March 2014
Ata Jokes
*ata panga iwe kali aje haiwezi
kukata kiu
*ata kinyozi awe hodari
*aje hawezi nyoa vichwa vya habari
*ata uwe msafi aje huwezi nawa
*mikono wakati wa kukula hongo
*ata uwe na magari elfu moja utaenda choo kwa miguu
*atauzame aje huwezi toka na samaki
katika dimbwi la mapenzi
*atahistoria ya marehemu iwe nzuri aje
haipigiwi makofi
*ata fundi awe hodari aje hawezi repair breaking news
kukata kiu
*ata kinyozi awe hodari
*aje hawezi nyoa vichwa vya habari
*ata uwe msafi aje huwezi nawa
*mikono wakati wa kukula hongo
*ata uwe na magari elfu moja utaenda choo kwa miguu
*atauzame aje huwezi toka na samaki
katika dimbwi la mapenzi
*atahistoria ya marehemu iwe nzuri aje
haipigiwi makofi
*ata fundi awe hodari aje hawezi repair breaking news
Friday 24 January 2014
Kenyan pick up lines, ladies would you fall for it?
1. Babe your legs must be a police cell coz leo
nalala ndani
2. Msupa kwani kwenyu ni Gatanga, ju leo
napeter na wewe.
3. Babe are you an m-pesa agent, coz nataka
kuweka na nitoe
4. Is this the vatican?coz your body is
smoking
5. Are you a parking ticket? All I see is "FINE".
6. Babe i'm like an undersize shoe,
nitakufinya.
7. Babe I heard your legs love each other but
yeah, sometimes even friends have to part
8. Baby you must be an artist because vile
naona,leo utachora saba
9. Girl, I was reading the bible in the book of
Numbers and I realized that I didn't have
yours.
10. Baby we ni 'Amos' coz me ni 'Wako'
11.Baby hii mistari ni refu, si uwache tu nkukatie
12.Baby kwani unashinda jikoni, vile umeiva?
nalala ndani
2. Msupa kwani kwenyu ni Gatanga, ju leo
napeter na wewe.
3. Babe are you an m-pesa agent, coz nataka
kuweka na nitoe
4. Is this the vatican?coz your body is
smoking
5. Are you a parking ticket? All I see is "FINE".
6. Babe i'm like an undersize shoe,
nitakufinya.
7. Babe I heard your legs love each other but
yeah, sometimes even friends have to part
8. Baby you must be an artist because vile
naona,leo utachora saba
9. Girl, I was reading the bible in the book of
Numbers and I realized that I didn't have
yours.
10. Baby we ni 'Amos' coz me ni 'Wako'
11.Baby hii mistari ni refu, si uwache tu nkukatie
12.Baby kwani unashinda jikoni, vile umeiva?
Endeleza Hadithi Ifuatayo
Otis, a form 4 student at Osumu secondary school, sitting for his KCSE insha paper:
Endelesha hadithi ifuatayo.... Nilipofika nyumbani nilimpata mama ameshikwa na bumbuwazi, kwani alikuwa amepigwa na butwa...! (Okong'o) .... Lo! Sikungoja hata kidogo! Kwanini mbumbuwazi anasika mama yangu? Nilimsika nakumrusa kwa ukuta ili awache mamangu. Nikarika juu nikasika huyo Butwa, nikampiga kwelikweli. Hawezi kupiga mama hivyo. Nikamrusa huko nikamrusia mawe awachane na mama. Ye akakimbia ndio nikangojea baba akuje.
Endelesha hadithi ifuatayo.... Nilipofika nyumbani nilimpata mama ameshikwa na bumbuwazi, kwani alikuwa amepigwa na butwa...! (Okong'o) .... Lo! Sikungoja hata kidogo! Kwanini mbumbuwazi anasika mama yangu? Nilimsika nakumrusa kwa ukuta ili awache mamangu. Nikarika juu nikasika huyo Butwa, nikampiga kwelikweli. Hawezi kupiga mama hivyo. Nikamrusa huko nikamrusia mawe awachane na mama. Ye akakimbia ndio nikangojea baba akuje.
Hilarious Fact About Kenyan Girls & Breakups
1. When you dump a Girl from Nairobi she will make a scene for you.
2. When you dump a girl from Nyeri she will beat you up and force you to love her again whether you want to or not.
3. When you dump an Limuru girl, she will cry day and night.
4. When you dump a girl from Kamba she will bewitch you and you will wake up with your balls on
your face.
5. When you dump an Nakuru girl, she will try to make up to you and ask you to kindly give her
another chance.
6. When you dump a girl from Nyahururu especially a Subukia girl , she won't even notice. She will be easy
removing her jiggers and eating her Sweet Potatoes.
7. When you dump a girl from Kakamega she will turn her bed-roomed into a brewery and drink all sorts of alcohol until she blacks out.
8. Try to dump a girl from Malindi and she will sleep around with all your friends.
9. You don't wanna know about Embu girls, dump her today and in two weeks, you will be invited to her wedding.
10. Never dump a girl from Meru if you dump her, she will tempt your dad and become your step-mother.
11. Dump a girl from Karenjin and she will report you to her dad in the army and you will marry her at gun-point.
12. Dump a girl from Thika she will sleep with your grand-father and become your other grandmother.
Guys beware!!!
2. When you dump a girl from Nyeri she will beat you up and force you to love her again whether you want to or not.
3. When you dump an Limuru girl, she will cry day and night.
4. When you dump a girl from Kamba she will bewitch you and you will wake up with your balls on
your face.
5. When you dump an Nakuru girl, she will try to make up to you and ask you to kindly give her
another chance.
6. When you dump a girl from Nyahururu especially a Subukia girl , she won't even notice. She will be easy
removing her jiggers and eating her Sweet Potatoes.
7. When you dump a girl from Kakamega she will turn her bed-roomed into a brewery and drink all sorts of alcohol until she blacks out.
8. Try to dump a girl from Malindi and she will sleep around with all your friends.
9. You don't wanna know about Embu girls, dump her today and in two weeks, you will be invited to her wedding.
10. Never dump a girl from Meru if you dump her, she will tempt your dad and become your step-mother.
11. Dump a girl from Karenjin and she will report you to her dad in the army and you will marry her at gun-point.
12. Dump a girl from Thika she will sleep with your grand-father and become your other grandmother.
Guys beware!!!
PineApple Joke
Some three men were caught stealing fruits in a huge forest. After negotiations among the security men, they decided to punish the thieves. They told them to rush back into the forest and come back width ten different fruits each. Number 1 rushed back with strawberry fruits. He was then told to eat them through his anus. He pushed them in and told to wait there for the next punishment.
No. 2 arrived with lemon and told to do as no.1 did. As no. 2 struggled to push the lemon in, No. 3 appeared from a distance then no. 2 started laughing loudly.
When he was asked what was wrong, he pointed at no 3's direction... he had 10 big pineapples.
No. 2 arrived with lemon and told to do as no.1 did. As no. 2 struggled to push the lemon in, No. 3 appeared from a distance then no. 2 started laughing loudly.
When he was asked what was wrong, he pointed at no 3's direction... he had 10 big pineapples.
Relaxing Joke
One day Aaron was enjoying the
sun at the beach. A lady came and
asked him, " Are you relaxing?"
Aaron answered, "No, I am Aaron."
Another guy came and asked him
the same question. Aaron
answered, "No! No! Me Aaron!"
A third one came and asked him
the same question again. Aaron
was totally annoyed and decided
to shift his place.
While walking he saw a guy
soaking in the sun. He went
up to him and asked," Are you
Relaxing?"
This guy was a lot more educated
and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Aaron slapped him in his face and
said,"Stupid, idiot. Everyone is
looking for you and you are sitting
over here.
sun at the beach. A lady came and
asked him, " Are you relaxing?"
Aaron answered, "No, I am Aaron."
Another guy came and asked him
the same question. Aaron
answered, "No! No! Me Aaron!"
A third one came and asked him
the same question again. Aaron
was totally annoyed and decided
to shift his place.
While walking he saw a guy
soaking in the sun. He went
up to him and asked," Are you
Relaxing?"
This guy was a lot more educated
and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Aaron slapped him in his face and
said,"Stupid, idiot. Everyone is
looking for you and you are sitting
over here.
Wednesday 1 January 2014
Marks za Abdi- JOKE OF THE YEAR 2014
Meanwhile somewhere in Garissa.!
DAD: Aye Abti, mimi anaskia matihani ametoka bahali yake. Wewe amebata magsi(marks) ngapi.?
ABDI: Sijui Dad, ebu nitume text na simu nijue ni Ngapi?
DAD: haya fanya haraka yakhe!
ABDI:(Sends en receives the results)
Dad ndio hii we soma mwenyewe.!
DAD: Abti hii umebata 50 ni marks yako yote ama ni Credit umesambaziwa na safaricom.
ABDI: Nashuku ni Credit nimesambaziwa na safcom.
DAD: Matoto mijinga hii. We anabata total marks 50 alafu unasema ni credit. Kwani mi anauza Ngamia kusomesha Ngamia ingine? Mitoto hata ijui ku bronounce(pronounce) marks yake Pundamilia hii. Wapi AK 47 yangu.! His Dad goes in the house and comes out with an AK47. Shoots in the air twice.
Twaah twaah.!
(Abdi takes to his heels at a supersonic speed.!)
DAD: Aye Abti, mimi anaskia matihani ametoka bahali yake. Wewe amebata magsi(marks) ngapi.?
ABDI: Sijui Dad, ebu nitume text na simu nijue ni Ngapi?
DAD: haya fanya haraka yakhe!
ABDI:(Sends en receives the results)
Dad ndio hii we soma mwenyewe.!
DAD: Abti hii umebata 50 ni marks yako yote ama ni Credit umesambaziwa na safaricom.
ABDI: Nashuku ni Credit nimesambaziwa na safcom.
DAD: Matoto mijinga hii. We anabata total marks 50 alafu unasema ni credit. Kwani mi anauza Ngamia kusomesha Ngamia ingine? Mitoto hata ijui ku bronounce(pronounce) marks yake Pundamilia hii. Wapi AK 47 yangu.! His Dad goes in the house and comes out with an AK47. Shoots in the air twice.
Twaah twaah.!
(Abdi takes to his heels at a supersonic speed.!)
Majina zetu ni kama za Wazungu
Paul Walker-Paul Mutembei
George Bush-George Kithaka
Cate White-Cate Mweru
John Stone-Yoana Ivia
George Bush-George Kithaka
Cate White-Cate Mweru
John Stone-Yoana Ivia
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A man wanted to marry a certain girl. So, he asked his grandfather:
''How would I know if my fiance is a virgin?''
The grandfather paused for a while and then replied:
''Go and look for a green and a blue paint.''
''Apply the blue paint on one side of your balls and the green paint on the other side then have sex with her.'
"If she tells you that she has never seen balls like yours then it will be clear to you that she has seen
many in her past".
''How would I know if my fiance is a virgin?''
The grandfather paused for a while and then replied:
''Go and look for a green and a blue paint.''
''Apply the blue paint on one side of your balls and the green paint on the other side then have sex with her.'
"If she tells you that she has never seen balls like yours then it will be clear to you that she has seen
many in her past".
Hands in my pants
A drunk guy was with his girlfriend in a cinema andsuddenly he fell asleep. After a while he woke up and shouted"MY PENIS!"
Everyone was surprised, He continued "Where is my penis someone has cut my penis and my nuts!, oh God what have i done!?"
The embarrassed girlfriend said "shut up u idiot! Your hand is in my panties!"
Everyone was surprised, He continued "Where is my penis someone has cut my penis and my nuts!, oh God what have i done!?"
The embarrassed girlfriend said "shut up u idiot! Your hand is in my panties!"
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