1.Kuna jamaa alkuwa atoka lamu akushukia hoteli moja mld akaitisha
chai,alipoletewa ikiwa haina sukari akaitisha sukari kisha akauliza
sukari bei gani akaambiwa ni bure akasema bac nifungieni kilo 2
2. Kuna jamaa aligongwa na gari akawa mahtuti wale jamaa
wakumuhudumia wakasema leteni maziwa yule jamaa alogongwa akasema oya na
mkate nusu
3.Kuna jamaa alikuwa amekula miraa mpaka akawa fullhandas akicheki
nje aona mvua yanyesha akasema doh mke wangu atakuwa na wasi wasi kama
sikuenda hapo hapo akachukuwa mwavuli akaenda kwa mke wake akamwambia
mke wangu mvua yanyesha sana siezi kuja nyumbani nitakuja kesho
4. Kuna jamaa alishikwa akiiba sambusa akaambiwa utalipa sambusa kisha utaenda polisi akajibu sambusa siendi na polisi silipi
5. Saddam alimuuliza ashwarya hw is lyf ashwarya akajibu kabi kush
kabi gam nae ashawarya akamuuliza saddam saddam akajibu KABI BUSH KABI
BOM
6. Mtoto mtiriri jana alimuona baba akimramba mama kuma leo alia nja
apewa titi akataa asema mbona jana ulimpa baba chini na mimi nataka
huko huko
7. Jamaa alitumwa gazeti la tarehe 10 na budake akakosa aliporudi kwa babako akarudi na magazeti 2 ya tarehe 5
8. Kadhi alimuuliza mume kwa nn wapenda kumtia mke wako nyuma mume akajibu kwa sababu mbele ni tamu na mimi ni mgonjwa wa sukari
9. Utafiti ulofanywa INDIA umegundua! Kuma ni jamii ya mdomo kwani
ina ulimi,ina mate,ina ndevu,ina mashavu,ila imenyimwa meno sababu ya
usalama wa mboo.Hapo vipi?
10. Khair mauti mauta waminal mauti mautan,Amin.Dua hii uliyoisoma
ni ya kuomba"KIFO"na wewe ushaisoma haya sasa itakuaje?hebu jiguse
roho,jee bado hujafa?kama hujafa niflash ili niondoe wasiwasi,ukikaa
kimya nitajua umekufa
11. Hyo yako c dhahabu wala almasi utakufa tukuzike chini ya nyasi ,wape uwapao mwisho utatupa nasi
Thursday, 14 August 2014
WHEN A NAIROBIAN VISITS MOMBASA.
1) All the swahili you learnt in school was just theory . When you land in coast, you start the practicals.
2) Niaje .. . is NOT an acceptable greeting. You say Niaje to someone and they gaze at you like they just caught you staring at testicles of the snake!
3) Remember when your Swahili teacher said those funny tanakali za sauti and misemo things you learnt in primary school and high school will come back to haunt you? He was right. I learnt that saying 'Akaanguka kwa maji kuuuu! ... . is wrong . Wrong? SINCE WHEN?
4) Shukisha .. . is NOT matatu -speak for being dropped off in coast . Bwaga is the word . I sure missed ngeli ya Bwa-ga in class.
5) If you use SHENG, you will most possibly look as stupid as a man in his wife's red dress and purple stockings . If swahili doesnt work with you, use English .
6) If some coastarian starts insulting you, you are dead. They are DAMN good at it . Open your mouth to answer and everyone will wonder which insult school you attended.How do you answer an insult like ,' Mbona wahara maneno ovyo ovyo .Na si umwombe Mola tako lingine uregeshe domo hilo lako?'
7) The punctuation marks in their swahili are difficult . I know fullstops ,comas and exclamation marks.There you punctuate your sentense with Naomba , Pole , Shukrani, Tafadhali and other weird words.Guess the hookers from therefeel like queens when you say,'Naomba ya mia mbili !'
8_____________________________
# Mswati lesimale
2) Niaje .. . is NOT an acceptable greeting. You say Niaje to someone and they gaze at you like they just caught you staring at testicles of the snake!
3) Remember when your Swahili teacher said those funny tanakali za sauti and misemo things you learnt in primary school and high school will come back to haunt you? He was right. I learnt that saying 'Akaanguka kwa maji kuuuu! ... . is wrong . Wrong? SINCE WHEN?
4) Shukisha .. . is NOT matatu -speak for being dropped off in coast . Bwaga is the word . I sure missed ngeli ya Bwa-ga in class.
5) If you use SHENG, you will most possibly look as stupid as a man in his wife's red dress and purple stockings . If swahili doesnt work with you, use English .
6) If some coastarian starts insulting you, you are dead. They are DAMN good at it . Open your mouth to answer and everyone will wonder which insult school you attended.How do you answer an insult like ,' Mbona wahara maneno ovyo ovyo .Na si umwombe Mola tako lingine uregeshe domo hilo lako?'
7) The punctuation marks in their swahili are difficult . I know fullstops ,comas and exclamation marks.There you punctuate your sentense with Naomba , Pole , Shukrani, Tafadhali and other weird words.Guess the hookers from therefeel like queens when you say,'Naomba ya mia mbili !'
8_____________________________
# Mswati lesimale
God qualifies the called
JACOB was a cheat.
PETER was hot tempered.
DAVID had an affair.
NOAH got drunk.
JONAH ran from God.
PAUL was a murderer. GIDEON
was poor & insecure.
MIRIAM was a gossip.
MARTHA was worried.
THOMAS was a doubter.
SARA was barren and
impatient. JOSEPH was a
shepherd
SAMSON was a womanizer
ELIJAH was moody.
MOSES stammered.
ZACCHAEUS was short.
ABRAHAM was old and
LAZARUS was dead...
Now, what's YOUR excuse?
Can God use you or not?
- ~~~
God doesn't call the qualified.
He qualifies the called...
May God bless and heal every hand that type 'USE ME LORD'
PETER was hot tempered.
DAVID had an affair.
NOAH got drunk.
JONAH ran from God.
PAUL was a murderer. GIDEON
was poor & insecure.
MIRIAM was a gossip.
MARTHA was worried.
THOMAS was a doubter.
SARA was barren and
impatient. JOSEPH was a
shepherd
SAMSON was a womanizer
ELIJAH was moody.
MOSES stammered.
ZACCHAEUS was short.
ABRAHAM was old and
LAZARUS was dead...
Now, what's YOUR excuse?
Can God use you or not?
- ~~~
God doesn't call the qualified.
He qualifies the called...
May God bless and heal every hand that type 'USE ME LORD'
Did you know that...
1. CHURCH has 6 letters so does MOSQUE.
2. BIBLE has 5 letters so does QURAN.
3. LIFE has 4 letters so does DEAD.
4. HATE has 4 letters, so does LOVE....
5. ENEMIES has 7, so does FRIENDS.
6. LYING has 5, so does TRUTH.
7. HURT has 4, so does HEAL.
8. NEGATIVE has 8, so does POSITIVE.
9. FAILURE has 7, so does SUCCESS.
10. BELOW has 5, but so does ABOVE.
11. CRY has 3 letters so does JOY.
12. ANGER has 5 so does HAPPY.
13. RIGHT has 5 so does WRONG.
14. RICH has 4 so does POOR.
15. FAIL has 4 so does PASS
16. KNOWLEDGE has 9 so does IGNORANCE.
Choose wisely, this means LIFE is like a Double-Edged Sword, Its not a coincidence but a Godicidence
If u think it is your alarm clock that woke you up this morning, try putting it beside a dead body
and you will realise that it is the Grace of God that woke you up. If you are grateful to God, type
THANK YOU LORD
Don't forget to share with friends. God bless you as you do
2. BIBLE has 5 letters so does QURAN.
3. LIFE has 4 letters so does DEAD.
4. HATE has 4 letters, so does LOVE....
5. ENEMIES has 7, so does FRIENDS.
6. LYING has 5, so does TRUTH.
7. HURT has 4, so does HEAL.
8. NEGATIVE has 8, so does POSITIVE.
9. FAILURE has 7, so does SUCCESS.
10. BELOW has 5, but so does ABOVE.
11. CRY has 3 letters so does JOY.
12. ANGER has 5 so does HAPPY.
13. RIGHT has 5 so does WRONG.
14. RICH has 4 so does POOR.
15. FAIL has 4 so does PASS
16. KNOWLEDGE has 9 so does IGNORANCE.
Choose wisely, this means LIFE is like a Double-Edged Sword, Its not a coincidence but a Godicidence
If u think it is your alarm clock that woke you up this morning, try putting it beside a dead body
and you will realise that it is the Grace of God that woke you up. If you are grateful to God, type
THANK YOU LORD
Don't forget to share with friends. God bless you as you do
Monday, 11 August 2014
Funny X-Rated Jokes - Viewer Discretion is advised!!!
Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off?
A: They can't stand to see aman have a good time!
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, thisis no ordinary blow job!
Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common?
A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!
Q: When is a man most intelligent, before, after or during sex?
A: During sex cuz he's plugged up to the knowledge source=:)
Sex is like math.
Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply!
Sex is like a misdameanor, the more I miss it, da meaner I get
How do you know if you have a high sperm count ?
If she has to chew before she can swallow.haha!
Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me im going in!
Another 1: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
She's the one with the dirty knees.
Have you noticed that more and more women are havingt heir navel’s pierced?
That's because its a handy place to hang the air freshener,now u know!.
How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex?...Phone her(the other clande)!
Bigamy is having one wife too many times. Some say monogamy is the same.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent....
Wedding cake.
What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather or an ice cube, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken or full bucket of water(bath).
....lets continue
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask ur wife.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a p*ni*?
The full man.
Q: What’s the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is fresh air a lot like sex?
A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Why do men have a hole in their p*n*s?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then....breath out
Q: Why did God give woman 2 sets of lips?
A: So they can piss & moan at the same time!
Q: What are 3 words you dread the most while making love?
A: calling out another persons name! Nkt..nitakuwacha mara that that!
Q: How is sex like air?
A: It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any.
Q: What can a girl put behind her ears to make her sexy?
A: Her knees.
Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.
Q: Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
A: You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?(get ur dictonary n get da meaning of tofu)
A: They are both meat substitutes.
Q: What is the diff. betwn a sin and shame?
A: It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.
Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ?
A: A cl*t around the ear and a flap across the face!
Q: What is hard and pink when it goes in and soft and wet when it comes out?
A: Bubblegum you dirty minded pervert!
Q: What do you call a whore with her own car?
A: Feels on Wheels!
Q: What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
A: Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.
Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: You either need a good partner or a good hand.
Bonus:
A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.
"Can you do anything to help me, Doc?" said the man.
"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span"replied the doctor.
Q: What is the difference between women and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn’t follow you around for 2 weeks after you put a load into it.
Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut?
A: Don´t talk to the guy in the middle, he´s a dick.
Q: Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
A: You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
__________________________
Meet singles who want to date you for better and for worse
A: They can't stand to see aman have a good time!
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, thisis no ordinary blow job!
Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common?
A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!
Q: When is a man most intelligent, before, after or during sex?
A: During sex cuz he's plugged up to the knowledge source=:)
Sex is like math.
Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply!
Sex is like a misdameanor, the more I miss it, da meaner I get
How do you know if you have a high sperm count ?
If she has to chew before she can swallow.haha!
Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me im going in!
Another 1: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
She's the one with the dirty knees.
Have you noticed that more and more women are havingt heir navel’s pierced?
That's because its a handy place to hang the air freshener,now u know!.
How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex?...Phone her(the other clande)!
Bigamy is having one wife too many times. Some say monogamy is the same.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent....
Wedding cake.
What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather or an ice cube, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken or full bucket of water(bath).
....lets continue
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask ur wife.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a p*ni*?
The full man.
Q: What’s the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is fresh air a lot like sex?
A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Why do men have a hole in their p*n*s?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then....breath out
Q: Why did God give woman 2 sets of lips?
A: So they can piss & moan at the same time!
Q: What are 3 words you dread the most while making love?
A: calling out another persons name! Nkt..nitakuwacha mara that that!
Q: How is sex like air?
A: It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any.
Q: What can a girl put behind her ears to make her sexy?
A: Her knees.
Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.
Q: Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
A: You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?(get ur dictonary n get da meaning of tofu)
A: They are both meat substitutes.
Q: What is the diff. betwn a sin and shame?
A: It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.
Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ?
A: A cl*t around the ear and a flap across the face!
Q: What is hard and pink when it goes in and soft and wet when it comes out?
A: Bubblegum you dirty minded pervert!
Q: What do you call a whore with her own car?
A: Feels on Wheels!
Q: What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
A: Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.
Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: You either need a good partner or a good hand.
Bonus:
A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.
"Can you do anything to help me, Doc?" said the man.
"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span"replied the doctor.
Q: What is the difference between women and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn’t follow you around for 2 weeks after you put a load into it.
Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut?
A: Don´t talk to the guy in the middle, he´s a dick.
Q: Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
A: You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
__________________________
Meet singles who want to date you for better and for worse
Kenyan Sex Facts - A must Read!!!
1. Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than they are.
2. Abstain from wine, women, and song - mostly song.
3. Never argue with a woman when she's tired (or rested).
4. A woman never forgets the men she could have had - A man, the women he couldn't.(I guess)
5. It is better to be looked over than over looked.
6. Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing say come back in the spring but don't say no.
7. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
8. Folks playing leap frog must complete all jumps.
9. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone and heart.
10. Sex is one of the 9 reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
11. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
__________________
P.S Are you interested? - Meet Kenyan men and women for dating free!
2. Abstain from wine, women, and song - mostly song.
3. Never argue with a woman when she's tired (or rested).
4. A woman never forgets the men she could have had - A man, the women he couldn't.(I guess)
5. It is better to be looked over than over looked.
6. Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing say come back in the spring but don't say no.
7. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
8. Folks playing leap frog must complete all jumps.
9. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone and heart.
10. Sex is one of the 9 reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
11. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
__________________
P.S Are you interested? - Meet Kenyan men and women for dating free!
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