1. Babe your legs must be a police cell coz leo
nalala ndani
2. Msupa kwani kwenyu ni Gatanga, ju leo
napeter na wewe.
3. Babe are you an m-pesa agent, coz nataka
kuweka na nitoe
4. Is this the vatican?coz your body is
smoking
5. Are you a parking ticket? All I see is "FINE".
6. Babe i'm like an undersize shoe,
nitakufinya.
7. Babe I heard your legs love each other but
yeah, sometimes even friends have to part
8. Baby you must be an artist because vile
naona,leo utachora saba
9. Girl, I was reading the bible in the book of
Numbers and I realized that I didn't have
yours.
10. Baby we ni 'Amos' coz me ni 'Wako'
11.Baby hii mistari ni refu, si uwache tu nkukatie
12.Baby kwani unashinda jikoni, vile umeiva?
Friday, 24 January 2014
Endeleza Hadithi Ifuatayo
Otis, a form 4 student at Osumu secondary school, sitting for his KCSE insha paper:
Endelesha hadithi ifuatayo.... Nilipofika nyumbani nilimpata mama ameshikwa na bumbuwazi, kwani alikuwa amepigwa na butwa...! (Okong'o) .... Lo! Sikungoja hata kidogo! Kwanini mbumbuwazi anasika mama yangu? Nilimsika nakumrusa kwa ukuta ili awache mamangu. Nikarika juu nikasika huyo Butwa, nikampiga kwelikweli. Hawezi kupiga mama hivyo. Nikamrusa huko nikamrusia mawe awachane na mama. Ye akakimbia ndio nikangojea baba akuje.
Endelesha hadithi ifuatayo.... Nilipofika nyumbani nilimpata mama ameshikwa na bumbuwazi, kwani alikuwa amepigwa na butwa...! (Okong'o) .... Lo! Sikungoja hata kidogo! Kwanini mbumbuwazi anasika mama yangu? Nilimsika nakumrusa kwa ukuta ili awache mamangu. Nikarika juu nikasika huyo Butwa, nikampiga kwelikweli. Hawezi kupiga mama hivyo. Nikamrusa huko nikamrusia mawe awachane na mama. Ye akakimbia ndio nikangojea baba akuje.
Hilarious Fact About Kenyan Girls & Breakups
1. When you dump a Girl from Nairobi she will make a scene for you.
2. When you dump a girl from Nyeri she will beat you up and force you to love her again whether you want to or not.
3. When you dump an Limuru girl, she will cry day and night.
4. When you dump a girl from Kamba she will bewitch you and you will wake up with your balls on
your face.
5. When you dump an Nakuru girl, she will try to make up to you and ask you to kindly give her
another chance.
6. When you dump a girl from Nyahururu especially a Subukia girl , she won't even notice. She will be easy
removing her jiggers and eating her Sweet Potatoes.
7. When you dump a girl from Kakamega she will turn her bed-roomed into a brewery and drink all sorts of alcohol until she blacks out.
8. Try to dump a girl from Malindi and she will sleep around with all your friends.
9. You don't wanna know about Embu girls, dump her today and in two weeks, you will be invited to her wedding.
10. Never dump a girl from Meru if you dump her, she will tempt your dad and become your step-mother.
11. Dump a girl from Karenjin and she will report you to her dad in the army and you will marry her at gun-point.
12. Dump a girl from Thika she will sleep with your grand-father and become your other grandmother.
Guys beware!!!
2. When you dump a girl from Nyeri she will beat you up and force you to love her again whether you want to or not.
3. When you dump an Limuru girl, she will cry day and night.
4. When you dump a girl from Kamba she will bewitch you and you will wake up with your balls on
your face.
5. When you dump an Nakuru girl, she will try to make up to you and ask you to kindly give her
another chance.
6. When you dump a girl from Nyahururu especially a Subukia girl , she won't even notice. She will be easy
removing her jiggers and eating her Sweet Potatoes.
7. When you dump a girl from Kakamega she will turn her bed-roomed into a brewery and drink all sorts of alcohol until she blacks out.
8. Try to dump a girl from Malindi and she will sleep around with all your friends.
9. You don't wanna know about Embu girls, dump her today and in two weeks, you will be invited to her wedding.
10. Never dump a girl from Meru if you dump her, she will tempt your dad and become your step-mother.
11. Dump a girl from Karenjin and she will report you to her dad in the army and you will marry her at gun-point.
12. Dump a girl from Thika she will sleep with your grand-father and become your other grandmother.
Guys beware!!!
PineApple Joke
Some three men were caught stealing fruits in a huge forest. After negotiations among the security men, they decided to punish the thieves. They told them to rush back into the forest and come back width ten different fruits each. Number 1 rushed back with strawberry fruits. He was then told to eat them through his anus. He pushed them in and told to wait there for the next punishment.
No. 2 arrived with lemon and told to do as no.1 did. As no. 2 struggled to push the lemon in, No. 3 appeared from a distance then no. 2 started laughing loudly.
When he was asked what was wrong, he pointed at no 3's direction... he had 10 big pineapples.
No. 2 arrived with lemon and told to do as no.1 did. As no. 2 struggled to push the lemon in, No. 3 appeared from a distance then no. 2 started laughing loudly.
When he was asked what was wrong, he pointed at no 3's direction... he had 10 big pineapples.
Relaxing Joke
One day Aaron was enjoying the
sun at the beach. A lady came and
asked him, " Are you relaxing?"
Aaron answered, "No, I am Aaron."
Another guy came and asked him
the same question. Aaron
answered, "No! No! Me Aaron!"
A third one came and asked him
the same question again. Aaron
was totally annoyed and decided
to shift his place.
While walking he saw a guy
soaking in the sun. He went
up to him and asked," Are you
Relaxing?"
This guy was a lot more educated
and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Aaron slapped him in his face and
said,"Stupid, idiot. Everyone is
looking for you and you are sitting
over here.
sun at the beach. A lady came and
asked him, " Are you relaxing?"
Aaron answered, "No, I am Aaron."
Another guy came and asked him
the same question. Aaron
answered, "No! No! Me Aaron!"
A third one came and asked him
the same question again. Aaron
was totally annoyed and decided
to shift his place.
While walking he saw a guy
soaking in the sun. He went
up to him and asked," Are you
Relaxing?"
This guy was a lot more educated
and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Aaron slapped him in his face and
said,"Stupid, idiot. Everyone is
looking for you and you are sitting
over here.
Wednesday, 1 January 2014
Marks za Abdi- JOKE OF THE YEAR 2014
Meanwhile somewhere in Garissa.!
DAD: Aye Abti, mimi anaskia matihani ametoka bahali yake. Wewe amebata magsi(marks) ngapi.?
ABDI: Sijui Dad, ebu nitume text na simu nijue ni Ngapi?
DAD: haya fanya haraka yakhe!
ABDI:(Sends en receives the results)
Dad ndio hii we soma mwenyewe.!
DAD: Abti hii umebata 50 ni marks yako yote ama ni Credit umesambaziwa na safaricom.
ABDI: Nashuku ni Credit nimesambaziwa na safcom.
DAD: Matoto mijinga hii. We anabata total marks 50 alafu unasema ni credit. Kwani mi anauza Ngamia kusomesha Ngamia ingine? Mitoto hata ijui ku bronounce(pronounce) marks yake Pundamilia hii. Wapi AK 47 yangu.! His Dad goes in the house and comes out with an AK47. Shoots in the air twice.
Twaah twaah.!
(Abdi takes to his heels at a supersonic speed.!)
DAD: Aye Abti, mimi anaskia matihani ametoka bahali yake. Wewe amebata magsi(marks) ngapi.?
ABDI: Sijui Dad, ebu nitume text na simu nijue ni Ngapi?
DAD: haya fanya haraka yakhe!
ABDI:(Sends en receives the results)
Dad ndio hii we soma mwenyewe.!
DAD: Abti hii umebata 50 ni marks yako yote ama ni Credit umesambaziwa na safaricom.
ABDI: Nashuku ni Credit nimesambaziwa na safcom.
DAD: Matoto mijinga hii. We anabata total marks 50 alafu unasema ni credit. Kwani mi anauza Ngamia kusomesha Ngamia ingine? Mitoto hata ijui ku bronounce(pronounce) marks yake Pundamilia hii. Wapi AK 47 yangu.! His Dad goes in the house and comes out with an AK47. Shoots in the air twice.
Twaah twaah.!
(Abdi takes to his heels at a supersonic speed.!)
Majina zetu ni kama za Wazungu
Paul Walker-Paul Mutembei
George Bush-George Kithaka
Cate White-Cate Mweru
John Stone-Yoana Ivia
George Bush-George Kithaka
Cate White-Cate Mweru
John Stone-Yoana Ivia
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A man wanted to marry a certain girl. So, he asked his grandfather:
''How would I know if my fiance is a virgin?''
The grandfather paused for a while and then replied:
''Go and look for a green and a blue paint.''
''Apply the blue paint on one side of your balls and the green paint on the other side then have sex with her.'
"If she tells you that she has never seen balls like yours then it will be clear to you that she has seen
many in her past".
''How would I know if my fiance is a virgin?''
The grandfather paused for a while and then replied:
''Go and look for a green and a blue paint.''
''Apply the blue paint on one side of your balls and the green paint on the other side then have sex with her.'
"If she tells you that she has never seen balls like yours then it will be clear to you that she has seen
many in her past".
Hands in my pants
A drunk guy was with his girlfriend in a cinema andsuddenly he fell asleep. After a while he woke up and shouted"MY PENIS!"
Everyone was surprised, He continued "Where is my penis someone has cut my penis and my nuts!, oh God what have i done!?"
The embarrassed girlfriend said "shut up u idiot! Your hand is in my panties!"
Everyone was surprised, He continued "Where is my penis someone has cut my penis and my nuts!, oh God what have i done!?"
The embarrassed girlfriend said "shut up u idiot! Your hand is in my panties!"
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