Saturday, 30 November 2013

The most hilarious, funniest Kenyan jokes and humor

The Autopsy Professor Joke

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory
lecture to a class of students. Standing over a
corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two
things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. "Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"

The Unripe cherry joke


A father and his three beautiful, blonde,

daughters went into a hotel to stay for the
night. When the daughters went to check in,
they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls. While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry." Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry." Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry." "Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?" She replied, "Because my cherry isn't ripe yet, duh."

☆ Million Dollars Questions ☆ 

✓ Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

⇝ Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy... ⇝ New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women. ✓ Why is sex like shaving ? Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again... ✓ Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster? A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.✓ Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right? A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed. ✓ Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN? A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR..... it's SHOWTIME!!!

IS SEX WORK?
A man wonders if sex on the sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or 
play. He asks a priest for his opinion on the question.The priest says after consulting 
the bible,"My son,after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and not premitted on the sabbath." 

THE man thinks:what does a priest know about sex? 

He goes to a minister...a married man, experienced... for the answer.He queries the minister and receives tha same reply. Sex is work and not for the sabbath! Not pleased
with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority-- a man of thousands of years
of tradition and knowledge: a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son,sex is definitely play."

The man replys,"rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?

The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work... my wife would have the maid do it."


Seven complicated facts about Women:

1. They believe in saving.

2. Believe in saving but buy expensive clothes.

3. Buy expensive clothes but never have anything to wear.

4. Never have anything to wear, but always dressed beautifully.

5. Always dressed beautifully, but never satisfied.

6. Never satisfied, but still expect men to compliment them.

7. Expect men to compliment, but don't believe them if complemented.

Extremely Complicated!

aTI kWANi JokEs

*Ati unabeba guitar coz wewe ni msanii, kwani malaya hubeba kitanda?
*Ati kuwatch horror movie ni 1000/= kwani shetani aliact live?
*Ati kuona daktari ni 1k kwani ametoa nguo?
*Ati boxer ni 900 kwani iko na suspender za testicles?
*Ati elimu ni ngao kwani tunaenda vita?
*Ati mwisho wa gari ni hapa kwani ikipita apo inakuwa ndege?
*Ati gari haina watu kwani dereva na kondakta ni wanyama?
*Ati pads 1k kwani inakam na drainage system?

Methali nazo
>Biashara asubuhi...Jioni Mapenzi
>Haraka haraka... hupasua condom
>Mficha uchi...nyege humsumbua
>Mtoto akililia wembe...ujue
kashatoa mafudhi
>Aliye juu....anamtia mwenzake
>Bandu bandu.... humaliza nyege kiunoni...
>Chovya chovya humaliza uvajo
>Dawa ya mti ni kuma...
>Mchagua kuma si mtiaji...
>Fuata dame amebeba umuone anavyotetemesha...
>Ukitaka cha doggy styl sharti
uiname!


Things girls should know about men
.........................................................
1.Guys are more emotional,then they think if truly loved

2. Guys may be flirting all day but before they sleep they always thinks of the man girl they love.

3.Guys go crazy over girls smile

4.A guy who likes you wants to be the only one you talk to

5.If guys tells you about his problem,he just needs someone who could listen you don't have to give you advice

6.When a guys tells you to leave him he just actually says please come and listen to me

7.No guy can handle all his problem on his own he is just to stubborn to admit

8.When a guy sacrifices his sleep with you he really likes you and wants to be with you

get fACTS RIGHT

1. ABORTION haifanyi ukuwe bila
mimba nugu wewe, inafanya
ukuwe mama ya motto mwenye
amekufa.
2. INTELLIGENCE ni kama
underwear, so si lazima kila mtu
aone eti uko nayo.
3. DIGNITY ni kama
VIRGINITY, once umepeana yako
kwa kamang’ange,
hauwezi kuipata tena.
4. TRUE FRIENDS ni kama bra coz
wanakuanga alive kutuhold
tusianguke kila siku kila place.
5. Percentage ya hydrogen kwa
universe ni ndogo kushinda
percentage ya idots wenye wako
kwa universe kama wewe.

hUSBAND AND WIFE JOKE

Wife : How much do you love me ?
Husband : I love U so much, I can't measure.
Wife : No just tell me....
Husband : Okay, I am like a cell phone & you are my
sim card, i am nothing without you...
Wife : Wow ! that's so romantic...
Husband (saying to himself):Thank God
she doesn't know,this is a Chinese phone, with TWO sim
cards.

KIMONDIO JOKES 

Kimondio: Mayai ni mbesa ngapi?
shopkeeper: Kubwa ni 10/- ndogo 7/- na zenye zimevunjika 3-
Kimondio: Nivunjie mbili zile kubwa

THE KENYAN WIFE AND HER HUSBAND

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Thursday, 7 November 2013

The best ati kwani jokes FROM ever since me day!!!


  1. Ati Arsenal Wameshinda..Kwani Newcastle Walikua Wamechora SABA?
  2. Ati Carpet 20,000/- ,Kwani Ni Ya Aladdin?
  3. Ati Unaambia Mluyha Acheze "ANGRY BIRDS". ,Eish! Kwani Unataka? Si Hapo Ntapata Mboga!!!
  4. Ati Chips 200 Kwani Waiter Anakam Akiwa Chips Funga
  5. Ati Mat Ni 300 Kwani Nashuka Na Viti?
  6. Ati University Students For Uhuruto Kwani Wao Ni HELB?
  7. Ati kibiriti ni 10 bob..kwani hiyo rhino iko hapo ni ya grade?
  8. Ati Kuona Simba 500? Kwani Ni Simba Wa Yuda?
  9. Eti Bra Ni 900!Kwani Ni Long Sleeved?
  10. Ati Unga Ya Ugali 200,Kwani Inakam Na Mboga?
  11. Ati Bra 1k Kwani Itafanya Boobs Ziwe Kama Za Minaj?
  12. Ati Kuingia Marine Park Ni 7k ,Kwani Wako Na Ile Whale Ilimeza Jonah?
  13. Ati Bash Ya Kuruka Mwaka Ni 5000/= Kwani Tunaruka Hadi 2014
  14. Ati Kiatu Ni 5k Kwani Inakam Na Barabara Yake??
  15. Ati Waterguard 500...Kwani Ni G4S Ndio Wanaguard Hiyo Maji?
  16. Ati Amarula Ni 5k Kwani Inakam Na Amapencils Na Amasharpeners Ama Amaset?
  17. Ati Nyama Kilo 800/- Kwani Hiyo Mbuzi Ilipigania Uhuru
  18. Ati Weddin Dress 60k Kwani Inakua Mosquito Net Usiku?
  19. Ati Tazama Chapaa, Kwani Macho Ni Ya Kubonga?
  20. Hehe Ati Nyanya Moja Ashu, Kwani Ina Kitunguu Ndani?
  21. Ati Condom 100/= Kwani Inakuja Na Anti-Virus?
  22. Ati Jersey Ya Arsenal Ni 3k, Kwani Inakuja Na Kamba Ya Kujinyonga?
  23. Ati Rain Coat 900/- Kwani Iko Na Heater Ndani??
  24. Ati Open Shoes 2500,Kwani Ikifika Tym Ya Matope Ama Mvua Inakua Closed Shoe?
  25. Eti Yai Moja Sh 2,000/= Kwani Amelitaga Mama Kayaii
  26. Ati Coat Ni 4000..Kwani Inauzwa Pamoja Na Mwili?
  27. Ati Ukiwa Mtoi Hukufanya "Arts And Craft"..Kwani Ulikua Unafanya WITCHCRAFT?
  28. Eti Padlock Ya Solex 1500 Kwani Inakuja Na Watchman?
  29. Ati Horror Movie Ni Sh 500/= Kwani Ni Shetani Mwenyewe Ameact ?
  30. Ati Kuku Ni 1200 Kwani Imesoma
  31. Ati "Me I Don't Trust Boys..All Boys Are The Same"..Kwani Tulizaliwa China?
  32. Ati Gas 5k,Kwani Ni Fabregas
  33. Ati Sabuni 200 Kwani Inaosha Dhambi
  34. Ati Radio Ya 80k, Kwani Inashika Hadi Police Station?
  35. Ati Weave 2k,Kwani Imetengenezwa Na Nywele Ya Samson?
  36. Ati Unaweka Kifuli Kwa Mlango Wa Choo Kwani Kuna Mwizi Wa Mavi.
  37. Ati Uhuruto For Statehouse.......... Kwani Hague Kulibomolewa??
  38. Ati Mvua Ni KIBAO Kwani Kiangazi Ni Blue MOON?
  39.  Ati Tai Ni 300bob, Kwani Inakuja Na Shingo
  40. Ati Kinyozi Mia Mbili, Kwani Unaacha Kichwa Ikinyole
  41. Ati Mr Berry Ni 10 Bob Kwani Inakuja Na Mrs Berry Wa
  42. Ati Kioo 10, 000 Kwani Ni ya Samsung?
  43. Ati kunyoa ni 500 bob, kwani inatoa hadi ujinga?
  44. Ati Apple Juice Ni 2k Kwani Imetengenezwa Na Adams Apple
  45. 2013 Imekawia.....Kwani Inakuja Na 2014?
  46. Ati Potty 2k Kwani Iko Na Flash?
  47. Eti Raila Atashinda. Kwani Omena Watavote?
  48. Ati TV 100k...kwani inaleta Beyonce akiwa Mokorino
  49. Ati Chips 200 Kwani Imepikwa Na Miadi
  50. Ati Kitanda Ni 50 K Kwani Ikona Bibi
  51. Ati Have A Blast Kwani Mi Ni Eastleigh?
  52. Ati Kuwatch Horror Movie Ni 1000/= Kwani Shetani Aliact Live.
  53. Ati Succes Card Ni 400,Kwani Ina Mwakenya
  54. Ati Pwani Si Kenya..Kwani Kenya Ni Pwanii!
  55. Ati
  56. Ati PK Ni 30 Bob , Kwani Imetafunwa Na Ferguson?
  57. Laptop Ya 70k Kwani Iko Na Windows Za Chuma?
  58. Ati Mahari 10M Kwani Mke Anakuja Na Ios?
  59. Ati Pk As
  60. Ati Unafunga choo na Padlock kwani kuna mwizi wa Shonde?
  61. hu Kwani Iko Na Kachumbari..
  62. Ati Unaenda Kuruka Mwaka Coast, Kwani Uliskia Mwaka Ilihepa Huku Ikaenda Coast?
  63. Ati Yai Boilo 30/= Kwani Kuku Ilitagia mayai Kenyatta Hospital?
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Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Dad is not eating the pussy

Teacher asks Michael: Why did you carry your cat to school?
Michael replies crying: "Because my dad told my mum  'I am going to eat that Pussy of yours when the kid leaves for school.'"

The Lie Detector Joke

A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school. Robot slaps son! OK, I lied, I went to the movies. 

Dad: which one?
Son: Toy story. Robot slaps son again! OK, it was A day with a porn star.
Dad: what? When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. Robot slaps dad! 

Mom: Ha ha!After all he is your son.The Robot slaps mum!.

The Arabs Dumb Speech

An Arab was asked to give a speech to deaf and dumb people.
He gets up on stage, squeezed his breast touched his dick and started masturbating... Organizer's pulled him off stage and asked him what the hell he was doing??!!


He said "I just wanted to start by saying Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...

What is Stress?

You give a beautiful girl a lift, she faints in your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.
The doctor says she's pregnant and congratulates you now that you're going to be a father. You say you are not the father but the girl says you are. This is getting stressful. To prove it, a fertility test is taken. Results say that you are infertile. You're extremely stressed but relieved. On you way back home you remember you have three kids. 


WHO THE HELL IS THEIR FATHER?? Now thats Stress.

The blonde and the firing squad

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde get captured and are placed before a firing squad.

They are about to be executed and the brunette says "Look...Hurricane" and points to her left while she gets away.

The redhead girl says "Look...Tornado", points and gets away.

Finally the blonde tries to do the same thing she says "FIRE"


HA HA HA HA HA HA

Single or Married

A girl from Bungoma is sitting in a bar in USA with three guys besides her. The first guy says barman, Johnnie Walker-single. The second say 'Jack Daniels-single',  the third Martini-single 'and you madam?' She answers Philomena Nekesa - married!

Wife: Who took my panties

A wife lost 3 panties in her house andn blamed her maid in front of her husband. The maid replied " Baba Mark si we unajua vizuri sana mimi huwa sivai suruali"

Mchwa na Nyoka Pangoni

Mchwa kaingia kwa uchi wa mwanamke akidhani ni pango. Alipotoka, wenzake wakamuuliza alikokuwa tangu jana. Akasema'LOL! Jana karibu nimalizwe, 'nimeingia pangoni..ghafla nyoka naye akaingia akitaka kuniuma. Akatia kichwa akitoa, akatia akitoa mara nyingi lakini hakunipata. Mwishowe akachoka akanitemea mate kisha akaenda zake'.

Utakula Kuku Yupi?

Uhali gani customer??
 Leo twapeana discount kwa wanunuzi wote wa kuku
 1.kuku kienyeji.
 2.kukuchoma. 
3.kukumiss 
4.kukuona 
5.kukualika 
7.kukupigia
8.kukupenda
9.kukumanga.
10.kukunyonya
11.kukudinya
12.kukudara
13.kukutomba


 Je utanunua kuku yupi?. . .

Wife and Dog Joke

Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.